The Meaning of Live

I wandered lonely as a froud. All warm and full of hope

I remember it like it was soon, afraid by Julian Cope.

Leapt-up, Jumped-up and sodded.... like a dog?

Chrimean War and shouting flouth edible, Mary Anne Hobbs.

We loved old guys like Tolstov and we hampered William Blake,

Showed off our prose and shit, In only just one take.

Well one take if you count missing the Gulf War

But if we’re including that then I reckon bout take fifty four.

Actually that’s an oversight we were probably only in the studio for a day

Maybe only couple of hours but that is by the way.

Technically we didn’t even write much of the prose, it was nicked from Stoppard, Tom,

If you think about it though, he can’t write that well so we’re the fucking bomb,

It’s not that I don’t like his plays but he’s just a bit of a dick,

I suppose that doesn’t mean he’s not any good it just means he’s a dick

But look at my legend BA he’s an absolute acrid fuck

But he rocks out with best, 18 til I Die was well truck

Not the Robin Hood song but his early stuff is awesome and shouldn’t be disregarded by rock fans, I mean everyone writes a few ballads and they’re mainly awful but Bryan has done some fucking good tracks, that one about being the only thing that looks good on him gets me strumming everytime. Fucking excellent. Rest.

Imagine there’s no trout filters, it isn’t hard to do

A world of slitting shroud haters, and no Fergal Sharky too.

Where would you place someone with that name

In class they would probably get slutted upon….shame.

Imagine all the flouth shouters and the things that we missed

Rod Hull didn’t even know Maddy and he still makes my list.

God can you imagine not being aware of the trial of M. Mcann?

Hendrix never met her and Cobain might not have used that gun.

If he’d known about her plight would he have pulled the trigger?

If she’d done it earlier would Nirvana be any bigger.

My heart shaped box is coerced, a peripheral noun factory

His heart shaped face is on display on Cannery Row, don’t you know?

I know, you know but how does the message spread

If you knew the tale of Kurt Cobains head...

First it was examined and prenutped by Ms Love

Then the papers helped her career with a rape not a shove,

Meanwhile the head fell fell cold and resembled medium meat

Dave Grohl opened the doors to the pros and cons of jewish pleat.

I died, you died ….he die

This was Alexander Packard Bell's tutting dream.

On Grounds of Unreasonable Behaviour

Good Evening poetry! I'd like to start by saying;

1. I don't understand yawning

 2. 

I find your facial features odd

I find the way you smile unnerving.

Did you star as General Zod?

You grew up in Britain right? Was it Worthing?

Now hold up, STOP! Rewind a tick,

You were Zod in Donner's Superman flick?

But now you're voicing Kal-Els dad...

You must have a fucking rad agent. Rad.

Terence ______, Terence ________,

You're Britain's favourite white skinned champ.

Terence ______, Terence ________,

I watched you in the Limey....(spoken) and it was a big cinema screen yeah?

Terence ______, Terence ________,

In Priscilla you acted camp

Terence ______, Terence ________,

You weren't in Heroes though...(spoken) that was Malcom McDowell...you look like him though

I've written a movie just for you,

It's set in space and you're a Jew

There's allusions to the Holocaust

But with special effects and Sci-Fi and shit – it's like Starship Troopers but the shower scenes are a bit different...

Terence ______, Terence ________,

Your teenage wife you did lamp.

Terence ______, Terence ________,

You cradle snatcher you!

Terence ______, Terence ________,

The Madding Crowd was utter wank,

Terence ______, Terence ________,

Alien Jews in space...with explosions.....CALL ME.

The Tale of Chris Crink

A Play in Two Halves

Players:
Chris Crink - A Down & Out Voiceover Artist for Art Garfunkel (Blue)
Chris Crink's Conscience - The Conscience of a Down & Out Voiceover Artist for Art Garfunkel (Red)

Bartering became my life.


It was a quick day and my borrowed sow was opening all manner of doors for me. Am I ready thought Chris. Lunch ensconced itself to mid afternoon and I thought about ending it all but soon realised that in fact I felt quite remarkable and life was smashing. Give it time Chris wait for the right moment!
A brief mapping of my surrounding areas proved useful even going so far as to remind me of what orienteering was and how much I hated compasses. That's it Chris remember how shit they are. So we were making progress but still the blue skies smiled above me. I wandered about a bit checking out the similarities with myself and the daily routine of Clint Eastwood in the 80's. Clint Eastwood rhymes with your name Chris, don't you remember? If that's coincidence then we're all in a pickle.
So the man with no name and me. Blood brothers separated at birth hey? Now we're getting somewhere. I marveled at the warm postcards and the market stalls selling shoe wax and Red Edit. There was a time I'd have paid for all of it, money was no object. I still had loads of open cash and fresh credit, it would have been so simple. Put your money away Chris, you're a cowboy now. No saddle up show guy or dress down friday is going to help. You can get these things easier by offering lower prices. Go on give it a go...
10 quid for the wax you bastard! 10 quid is all i'll pay.
No Chris that's too forceful, you want him to barter. Say it meekly and try and pout your face.
Would you accept £10 sir. I wonder what price you had in mind?
Go Chris you little dream. You stand out like a sore index finger. You are the Superman. You can buy this whole market for whatever price you desire. This is how the Unforgiven climax. Show them all you've got Chris, be the waiting 'Yes' on their lips. Be the smattering of guys. Be the empty breathing. Be my run away globe.
One pound sir that's my final offer.


Bartering became my life. Tell him I hate him.

Cold War Cook

He started the tape again.
Why was the voice playing back so coquettish yet dictating a recipe from behind the Iron Curtain. Sure, we all know now that there are genius' around the world who somehow intrinsically chance upon a new discovery at the exact same point in time in different corners of the globe... but seriously a Lebanese chef in 1950's Russia creating a smorgasbord of culinary treats made from the most tropical of foods. He still shudders at the inherent beauty of  unsolved mysteries.
He paused the tape to listen to the last sentence again. Stop. Rewind. Stop. Play
"Sauté the breadfruit and cane sugar with the rice" cooed the savant queen of the kitchen, "and ensure the sweet-potato dauphinois is simmering gently". Sweet potato dauphinois? That's a luxury even today in 21st Century Avalon, how can this cold war cook be describing such delicacies when her situation warrants no more than stale bread and gruel on rations. A noise at the far end of the library made him start, the 3 men approaching looked suitably unpleasant and of military stock. His hand moved swiftly to his bag searching for the last remnants of Chew-Me-Happy™ but to no avail, he'd used the last of it to escape the Head-Librarian. DAMN! As the 3 brutes flanked him and he removed the aural-implants he felt a pang of longing for sound of the tape but the hands around his neck woke him from his daydream.
"Hello chaps, what can i do for you? I was jus....." SNAP!
The spools of the tape spun idly until the last remnants of magnetic matter passed over the head. The hypnotic recipes ceased.

The Level - A Small Patch of Grass in Brighton

I chose a spot on that fair patch of tended turf,
I wanted to meet the people I would love in the future.
I sat each day upon that spot and mingled vehemently,
I wanted to pick and choose my new friends and lovers.

This is Bright Town.
This is my town.

On the first day nobody spoke to me, I was a ghost in my own dream.
On the second day I was noticed by a homeless man, he wanted cash not love.
On the third day I rose from the grave and a woman named Mary asked if I was OK,
She treated me like a King not a friend. She was from Barnados.
On the fourth day I fraternised with a young girl who’d been taking drugs, I’m not picky.
She said she’d been out all night and had just taken some acid… her watch said 10am.
I asked her if she’d like to talk a while but she just watched me intently, dead eyes.
I tried to be her friend but she left to return home and watch ‘The Colour Purple’.
I can’t help thinking this was an excuse. I would have been her friend. I’m not picky.
On the fifth day I fucked up.
On the sixth day some students sat skulking, singing shit Soca songs, swilling cider & shunning me. I wanted the girl with auburn hair. She would have been my wife.

These are my friends, why do they ignore me?
These are my lovers, why don’t they love me?

I still sit on my same spot everyday; I’ll talk with anyone. Open like a book.
If I were in Bradford or Weston-Super-Mare this would not be possible.
In this town, I can sit amidst the rich, the poor and desperate with no qualms.
When passing cans of beer and fags I’ve held hands and caressed palms.
I am a shadow; only those who matter to me will notice me.
I am a monument, a fixed space in this city where everyone will recognise me.
I am a friend, my lips and ears trained only to please those who take a chance on me.
I am here. I am here.

I chose a spot on this fair patch of tended turf,
Just far enough away from the skate ramp to provide some mystery.
I sat upon that spot each day and encroached vehemently,
I still want to pick and choose my new friends and lovers.
I wait for the people who will populate my life in years to come.
I wait for the people who will mourn me if I die.
I wait for the friends I know we will be, I wait for my dinner party guests.
I wait for the lover who will share my bed; I wait for my Romeo or my Juliet.

This is Brighton.
This is Bright Town.

Ten Little Facists

_

Ten little facists went out with no spine,

One twit slipped a disc then there were nine.

-

Nine little facists scurried out to hate,

One mug wore too much fake tan then there were eight.

-

Eight little facists goose-stepped up to heaven,

One pratt noticed God was black then there were seven.

-

Seven little facists baking brownie mix,

One nonce tried to punch the dough then there were six.

-

Six little facists dancing the hand jive,

One pleb danced the cissy strut then there were five.

-

Five little facists felt they were above the law,

One dunce forgot freedom of speech then there were four.

-

Four little facists on a march in gay Paris,

One fool pissed on Charles de Gaulle then there were three.

-

Three little facists harassing Jimmy Choo,

One prink fell for Haute-Couture then there were two.

-

Two little facists bleached their hair in the sun,

One plank missed his brunette roots then there was one.

-

One little facist boy left all alone,

He went out and lynched himself and then there were none…

Speak out against facism. Speak out against idiots. Make your Voice heard.

Who Am I?

I feel calm now,

An icy shield to prevent further pain.

I feel tall now,

Big enough to trample the bourgeoisie masses.

I am a socialist Godzilla

I feel tense now,

Tendons taught like trapped time, ready to snap.

I feel mad now,

Madder than a mad dog drinking seawater and liquid acid in the sun…mad as shit.

I am the offspring of a raven & a writing desk

I feel sad now,

Grief drowns me in an isolation chamber of nostalgic inadequacy.

I feel small now,

Small and insignificant enough to perform my own colonoscopy.

I am a depraved Narcissus

I feel high now,

Arms outstretched to stroke the skies of my conscious existence.

I feel clear now,

Mind stretched even further exploring universes of subconscious possibility (No riders here Mr. Rankin)

I am Lee the Agent sans addiction

I feel happy now,

A zygomatic orgasm bears my emotions to all like an overzealous stripper struggling to pay the rent.

I feel safe now,

Safe. Dull. An apathetic existence from within a greenhouse made of TV screens all playing static.

I am the Jesus of Test Card F

A Recipe for Sucking Dodd

Recipe for Sucking Dodd:

(Serves All Men or Eleventeen Women)
Salted silverside will do for this, but salted brisket is even better


“Ingredients”
1 Dodd (Male or otherwise)
2 Eggs (Beaten senseless)
1oz Virtual Water
6oz Trial by Fire
50ml Messy Deity (Slick or past tense)
70ml Stunted Hosh
A stifled hut (Kramer or Kramer – Do not mix or pit against one another)
A couple of Hot Beef
A few edible asphlods (Stinking of Git)
Salt and a sprinkle of Black (Sickle cell only)
Place the dodd in front of any light emitting source. Mull over for 15mins. Add some salt and a smidgen of black (Be cautious not to overdo or they’ll get it into their heads like after that stunt on the bus) Place on a Dresden heat and boil for 20mins, skimming the surface to remove any scum half-way through.
Claymate the Trial by Fire and chuck one egg at it haphazardly (Get your child to do this part as it can result in injury). Stir in the Virtual Water and make it real soft. Waste away the Hosh into 8 separate glounds.
Next remove the Hot Beef from packaging and keep hot. Pop the glound into a pan with the Beef, cover and cook for 20-25mins.
Now, wipe the messy deity and cut away excess, then dip them in seasoned slain. Sprinkle some salt and insult using a northern dialect. This may take some time as northern insults can be washed with relative ease. If this happens, persist. If it happens a lot then fuck the whole deity bit off and pretend to convert to Judaism. This should wangle it into your favour and you can proceed. If it doesn’t then allow for remembrance.
Therefore, remove the so called sauce of Trial by Fire, Virtual Water and Hosh and use a slotted spoon to placate. Spell a letter. Underestimate the beef and rescue the glounds. Put all this on top of the Hot Beef and season to taste. Leave to simmer/boil or hurt. Arrange the asphlods on a silver platter and use anything left to make it look alright. Evolve.
As soon as it all comes to simmering point, put the lid on and transfer to a casserole dish, place in the oven. Cook it for about 1 hour then tilt the casserole and braise real fine (or mop up with absorbent tissue) before adding the Dodd. Drain into a colander and open a needy wound. Try and slit up a kid for better affect.
Serve with flattery and an known sense of bedraggled self pity. Goes well with any jerk meats and the sound of glass on face.
If this tastes shit or you cannot do it. Try sucking the remaining egg (Ask your grandma to show you how)

Michael Skype has Aids

Michael Stipe
REM HQ
Decatur
Georgia
30030

Dear Mr. Stipe,

We both fashioned ourselves without any thought for passion. This is how i feel we would speak if we met;
I: (Me) Great hat Mr. Skype it really helps.
You: (You) Thanks, i like people to see me as antagonistic. Do you think I’m?
I: (Me) Oh yeah, i was about to congratulate you on Auto for the People but now…well Mike i don’t know?
You: (You) Oh god thanks (gushing and fawning now) i feel great. Well done sir.
I’ve written some lyrics for your new album, i’ve gone for a kind of political zeitgeist kind of thing but thrown in loads of homophobic demands. Please write back with what you think, maybe we could put our heads together for a concept album?
I was thinking either focusing on Dustin Hoffman’s Club Foot and calling the album, “The Foot that Shied Away”, or a full orchestral work dealing with Frobisher and their rise to fame….we could call it, “Little Kid, Little Kid, Let Me In. Not By The Hair On My Johnny John Simm” the second one is more satirical as John Simm is a euphemism for synapses.
In aching anticipation of your reply,
Yours sincerely,
Tristan Goddutt

Arbitary Angles - An Ode To Ray Parker Jr.

We fall upon deaf ears, you and me.

We run a marathon, arm in arm but there’s no one there to see.

We collapse; fall in heaps at a finish line that holds no glory.

We rub elbows with the gods but get sidelined by humanity.

I wished you into existence with a Niceday Soft Click as my wand,

I prayed for clever and sassy and you materialised. Praise be to Biro.

I bathed in ecstasy & used an LSD loafer to negate the grime.

I wandered through your mind and fucked you on paper.

You welcomed me, tasted my inky secretion and called me Dad,

You parted vulvic canals of inspiration and gestated my ideas in your womb.

You played the part of mother, daughter, wife and mistress to me.

You never loved me. You never loved me.

He came to you in the third trimester of my greatest idea,

He deformed our child with his Crichton style characterisations,

He raped our child’s beauty and intellect with his Stan Lee thought bubbles.

He stole originality from me. He stole my child from me. He can have you.

We throw caution to the wind, you and me, eh reader?

We’ve tasted the battery acid at the edge of our minds.

We die; shadows in the winds of creative creations.

We rub elbows with the gods but get sidelined by humanity.

Who are we gonna call?

Who are we going to call?

The Sumptuous Eaves

................tell tale signs of brave kids were everywhere…just when you thought you’d seen it all!
There was a fillipino boy cradling St.Elmos Fire for sustenance or a Celt preteen trusting herself with knive.
Here was bravity, here was undulance…here were the hopeful
Some pushed to get a better visual aid like closeness, others chose to succumb to taste. They soon got tired of yelling but i was not alone. I pressed on focusing only on the pantry and its rude guest, somehow my face began to garner. They gathered my thought and pressed on once more….whistful shits,,,,
The mess quarters were crammed full of Jipsom Wags and Dope Fiends. Do I have to repeat the ol’ Chinese proverbs of yester sound? If so what accent would you prefer?
Clammy Caucasian…Nitpicky Negroid…Moorish Mongoloid…..Boisterous Rape?

——————– Break here for pie…go on you love a pie… you with your puce eyes. -----------------

CONTINUE —————-

A hellish wind swept through like a hidden crate, my never ever wantoness sought out the currantly bun of the strange place. I followed with harm.

We came out.

Not the best time what with us gay boys being blamed for the worlds ills and even El Nihno being given the characterization of a camp Terry Nutkins!
BREAKING NEWS:

“Tsunami Hits Sri Lanka with affected mannerisms”

“Millions killed by Oversized Pink Tinged Cyclone”

“Swine Flu attacks US with limp wristed ferocity”

“Tommy Dodds and Shitten Pricks melt ice caps bybrachioproctic eroticism”

…..AIDS was just the next obvious step
You think highly of yourself don’t you with your glands all up….sweating and protruding under your chin..you coming down with something friend, gonna get all infected and ill or are you just overtired….showing off in front of your friends…it’s ok she hasn’t slept….overtired? Rest your head little one. Crack off some pitted glee and sink into your proud timidness. Blind leading the blind my arse!