Monday, 27 September 2010

A Recipe for Sucking Dodd

Recipe for Sucking Dodd:

(Serves All Men or Eleventeen Women)
Salted silverside will do for this, but salted brisket is even better

1 Dodd (Male or otherwise)
2 Eggs (Beaten senseless)
1oz Virtual Water
6oz Trial by Fire
50ml Messy Deity (Slick or past tense)
70ml Stunted Hosh
A stifled hut (Kramer or Kramer – Do not mix or pit against one another)
A couple of Hot Beef
A few edible asphlods (Stinking of Git)
Salt and a sprinkle of Black (Sickle cell only)
Place the dodd in front of any light emitting source. Mull over for 15mins. Add some salt and a smidgen of black (Be cautious not to overdo or they’ll get it into their heads like after that stunt on the bus) Place on a Dresden heat and boil for 20mins, skimming the surface to remove any scum half-way through.
Claymate the Trial by Fire and chuck one egg at it haphazardly (Get your child to do this part as it can result in injury). Stir in the Virtual Water and make it real soft. Waste away the Hosh into 8 separate glounds.
Next remove the Hot Beef from packaging and keep hot. Pop the glound into a pan with the Beef, cover and cook for 20-25mins.
Now, wipe the messy deity and cut away excess, then dip them in seasoned slain. Sprinkle some salt and insult using a northern dialect. This may take some time as northern insults can be washed with relative ease. If this happens, persist. If it happens a lot then fuck the whole deity bit off and pretend to convert to Judaism. This should wangle it into your favour and you can proceed. If it doesn’t then allow for remembrance.
Therefore, remove the so called sauce of Trial by Fire, Virtual Water and Hosh and use a slotted spoon to placate. Spell a letter. Underestimate the beef and rescue the glounds. Put all this on top of the Hot Beef and season to taste. Leave to simmer/boil or hurt. Arrange the asphlods on a silver platter and use anything left to make it look alright. Evolve.
As soon as it all comes to simmering point, put the lid on and transfer to a casserole dish, place in the oven. Cook it for about 1 hour then tilt the casserole and braise real fine (or mop up with absorbent tissue) before adding the Dodd. Drain into a colander and open a needy wound. Try and slit up a kid for better affect.
Serve with flattery and an known sense of bedraggled self pity. Goes well with any jerk meats and the sound of glass on face.
If this tastes shit or you cannot do it. Try sucking the remaining egg (Ask your grandma to show you how)

1 comment:

  1. Have you ever tried wrapping the left over hosh in clemency. Add some dried pretence of banality and wash, bruising throughout. Mum thinks it's better than a gash from a comquiz